Tuesday, February 24, 2015

ANGRY EATER

I had an enlightening talk with my therapist a few days ago.  I've tried so hard to figure out WHY I eat/sabotage myself, and why I can't get back onto my program and lose weight again.  I'm actually starting to gain, slowly.  And that's INSANE!!  I've come so far and learned so much!  How did I end up back in my old eating habits (not quite as bad, but declining)? 
So in this session she asked me lots of questions about feelings when I eat, and suggested I keep a log.  I've actually tried this a few times before, but never really knew what I was feeling.  But this time, within 24 hours, I realized that most of the time when I eat (and shouldn't), I'm feeling frustrated or angry.  Sometimes very angry.  But it's deep inside, and I'm trying to ignore it.  But when I pay attention to my thoughts/feelings, it surfaces, and bottled up thoughts run through my head. 
I don't want to be specific here, but it's making me realize how much I try to please people and ignore my own needs to keep peace or to help someone else.  I do this for many reasons.  I think it's "right" to put others first (taught this at home and in church growing up). I fear/dislike conflict.  I can't tolerate someone being angry with me, so I give in to avoid a fight.  I don't think I deserve to have "my way"....I'm not as smart/good/deserving as someone else.  I'm impatient...I want issues resolved now, even if it means giving in.  I try to push these feelings of anger and disappointment away and move on, but instead they have become pushed down inside of me.
Just an hour ago I had a conflict in parenting, and became very frustrated.  Although it had just been an hour since I had a big meal, I started feeling hunger pangs.  An emptiness in my stomach.  That is what got my attention and confirmed for me that I'm an Angry Eater.  I have to find resolution for the conflicts within me before I can conquer my compulsive overeating. 
Enlightened, but overwhelmed. 

1 comment:

  1. I always found writing helpful when analyzing my emotions, so I hope that blogging helps you. I still pray for you!! You really have come a long way, and just now realizing that your emotion and overeating go hand in hand may be the breakthrough you are hoping for! Hang in there...you CAN do all things through Christ who gives us strength!! *Hugs*

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