Tuesday, February 24, 2015

ANGRY EATER

I had an enlightening talk with my therapist a few days ago.  I've tried so hard to figure out WHY I eat/sabotage myself, and why I can't get back onto my program and lose weight again.  I'm actually starting to gain, slowly.  And that's INSANE!!  I've come so far and learned so much!  How did I end up back in my old eating habits (not quite as bad, but declining)? 
So in this session she asked me lots of questions about feelings when I eat, and suggested I keep a log.  I've actually tried this a few times before, but never really knew what I was feeling.  But this time, within 24 hours, I realized that most of the time when I eat (and shouldn't), I'm feeling frustrated or angry.  Sometimes very angry.  But it's deep inside, and I'm trying to ignore it.  But when I pay attention to my thoughts/feelings, it surfaces, and bottled up thoughts run through my head. 
I don't want to be specific here, but it's making me realize how much I try to please people and ignore my own needs to keep peace or to help someone else.  I do this for many reasons.  I think it's "right" to put others first (taught this at home and in church growing up). I fear/dislike conflict.  I can't tolerate someone being angry with me, so I give in to avoid a fight.  I don't think I deserve to have "my way"....I'm not as smart/good/deserving as someone else.  I'm impatient...I want issues resolved now, even if it means giving in.  I try to push these feelings of anger and disappointment away and move on, but instead they have become pushed down inside of me.
Just an hour ago I had a conflict in parenting, and became very frustrated.  Although it had just been an hour since I had a big meal, I started feeling hunger pangs.  An emptiness in my stomach.  That is what got my attention and confirmed for me that I'm an Angry Eater.  I have to find resolution for the conflicts within me before I can conquer my compulsive overeating. 
Enlightened, but overwhelmed.