Monday, May 26, 2014

Good Days

There ARE good days on this weight loss journey.  Of course the weigh-ins have all been good because I've continued to go down, even if it's only a pound.  But today was good because I didn't experience the temptation that I normally face.  Sights and smells were just not a big deal to me.  This is pretty rare.  Most days it drives me nuts to see commercials for food on TV, and to watch my family eat things I can't eat.  I hide in my office during meal time a lot!  But some days, and thankfully today was one of them, I just don't have to fight.  And it feels good. 
I spent my Memorial Day at home with my family, cleaning and preparing for my son's graduation party.  My husband put steaks and burgers on the grill, and I made fried zucchini and mashed potatoes for them.  But I prepared my own zucchini w/just a touch of oil and no flour...just some salt and pepper.  I ate Medifast mashed potatoes.  I had turkey meatballs.  And I thoroughly enjoyed an extra serving of Diet Coke as my treat.  I did, however, have a couple small bites of steak (to taste) and a small slice of watermelon. But it was controlled...it was my "picnic", so I didn't feel deprived. 
Feeling very blessed with success.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Week Nine

Week nine weigh in shows a loss of 1.2.  Blah. But it's down. 

Saturday, May 17, 2014

WEEK 8 WEIGH IN

Down another 3.8 pounds this week! Much more than I expected because I faltered a few times.  My total to date is 31.2 pounds.  I got some "new" clothes last weekend, which always feels awesome.  And the fact that I paid very little for them is even better. A generous friend was sending a bunch of clothes to consignment and let me have first pick.  Some items I bought at YARD SALE prices were high-end and still had tags on them! 

I'm feeling pretty good.  Turning over in bed (I have back pain when I'm lying down) is so much easier/less painful.  My light-headedness has subsided, though still not completely gone.  (Just when I get up from sitting on the floor, etc.). I have the energy I need.  Emotionally I'm still a mess....this is a roller coaster ride.  Learning new ways to handle stress and frustration rather than eating is a skill I'm VERY slow to develop.  I sometimes justify "cheats", and then feel the guilt later.  Temptation when I'm around food is still pretty bad (some days better than others).  I have been told of a lot of ways to fight the temptation, but I don't always remember to do them (STOP/CHALLENGE/CHOOSE is what TSFL folks tell me.  I remember a friend telling my child once "Stop/Breathe/Think). 

My next milestone will be the 60 day/two month mark.  I'll do measurements then (May 20 or May 22). 

Saturday, May 10, 2014

WEEK SEVEN WEIGH IN

Week 7/Day 50, down 2.8 pounds for a total of 27.4.  I can deal with that.  After my post yesterday, I see that my Dad was right when he said "Worrying works. Nothing I ever worried about ever happened."  :) 
But seriously, the fluctuations this week were scary...down for 2 days, up for 3, then a dive back down over night. 
I seriously need to relax.  As soon as I learn how to do that without food, I will! :)

Friday, May 9, 2014

SOME DAYS...(Food and Fears categories)

Some days are just hard.  When my brain and body are tired and my workload seems overwhelming, letting go of food as my comfort is sheer torture.  This was one of those days.  From the moment I got out of bed I was overwhelmed by all that needed to be done, and my instinct was to eat! 
I have been weighing myself daily again to watch for fluctuations so that I'm not so freaked out by minimal weekly losses.  For the first few weeks, if the scale "stalled" or went up, it would go right back down in a few days. But this was week 7, and it. just.stalled.  I was SO hoping to make a milestone this week.  I lost very little the past two weeks so I thought sure I would see the scale go down this week.  It did, for 3 days, then back up again.   Tomorrow is my official weigh-in, and unless my body does something crazy, that milestone is still several pounds away.  Yeah. So much for not freaking out. 
So how does this relate to fear?  I am so afraid that I will continue to make these sacrifices but not get results...torture all for nothing.  I'm afraid that I just can't keep it up (I've had several "slips" when I tasted bites of "forbidden fruit") and I will fail...I will gain it all back.  I fear that I got overconfident in doing this program and in putting myself out there for all to see (FB and this blog).  I will fail in front of the whole world. 
And then there is the fear that, if I'm so tempted by food already, when I still have at least 4 months to go, what will it be like when I return to normal eating? How do I stop the compulsion?
So what did I do about it?  I basically just gritted my teeth and kept going.  I forced myself to get started on my to-do list, and I just kept reminding myself that I only have to do Medifast for TODAY.  Tomorrow will worry about itself.  If I can just follow the rules for 24 hours until my weigh-in, then maybe I can even take a meal/day off.  So I just kept going. 
I ended the day at a friend's house, planned almost a week ago.  I've lost enough weight to need more clothes, but don't want to pay much because I may not stay in this size long.  This friend has lost a lot of weight over the past year and had a lot of clothes to get rid of.  She had them priced for consignment and let me choose what I wanted before she took them to a shop.  I got some REALLY nice things that fit me well.  It felt good to see myself in clothes that fit.  It reminded me that my work thus far IS paying off. 
And yet tonight, I struggled with watching the kids eating snacks.  I ate some cheese curls...I know I'll regret it. (Not a big bowl like the old days...about 6-8 pieces...but even that can mess with my metabolism). 
As I said.  This Is Hard.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

The Authority of the Bible

Back to faith issues. 
        Believing in the Bible as the inerrant Word of God was never a problem for me growing up or going to Bible College.  Everyone I associated with believed it, and I was taught all the passages from the Bible that claim it is God's Word.  With that presupposition, all of my Biblical studies make sense and draw me closer to this loving, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent God.  This gave me a deep sense of security and meaning in life, and obvious life goals to chase after.  I read the Bible daily, and with all the college and church classes I took I'm sure I read the Bible through several times.  Reading it usually brought peace and meaning.  Occasionally I was confused, but I would just go on to what I could be confident in/fully understand.
        But as the years have gone by, I have NOT always been surrounded by those who believe this way.  I now find that I have friends and acquaintances who believe very differently.  Some believe that a different "bible" is the holy scriptures that we should live by, but it's different from my Christian Bible.  Some don't believe in any bible or God.  I've also read books and articles written from other perspectives.  And just watching the news we see so many "religions" out there, all claiming they are the way to truth and righteousness.  They have their teachings and traditions that they are just as convinced are true as I was about mine.  Their parents/teachers taught them a different way, and they trust them as much as I trusted my parents/teachers. 
        So who is right?  How can we be sure that the Bible we are reading today is, in fact, inerrant?  How can we know how to interpret scriptures written so many years ago to different peoples of a very different culture? Man has learned so much more about the world over these thousands of years, and it brings questions about creation, dinosaurs, the age of the earth.  Man has become much more civilized, so that the Old Testament ways seem so barbaric and oppressive....how could God command the slaughter of women and children, entire nations?  Multiple wives?  The oppression of women?  Things we look at as evils today were daily life in the Bible.  I've heard many explanations, but none that hold water. At least not for me.
        The Bible is God's Word because the Bible SAYS it's God's Word is not a good argument.  "All Scripture is God breathed" (2 Timothy 3:16) does not define what books are Scripture. 
        Trust me....I WANT the Bible to be everything I always thought it was.  It is the foundation of what I have lived my life for.  But I don't see it.  I used to tell others who had this problem to immerse themselves in Bible reading and prayer and the Holy Spirit would reveal Himself to them.  Yet, when my doubts started kicking in, I realized that immersing yourself in anything will cause you to be swayed by it...that's how Cults get followings. 
        I sometimes have the "What if's".  What if those who canonized the Bible were not "pure", and had wrong motives, either putting in something that didn't belong or excluding something that did?  What if those who have translated the Bible made mistakes?  What if the common interpretations that we have are incorrect?  Shouldn't we be ALWAYS searching and "checking" our work?  Do we just take what was done so many years ago as "right" and never challenge it?  What if God is waiting for us to wake up and look closer.  Doesn't Paul say somewhere "don't trust me...look it up for yourself!"? 
        This is why I don't think questioning is wrong.  We should always be searching.  Text books have changed over the years because man has learned more and realized that he was wrong in some things.  Maybe the cannon of Scripture needs to be revisited.

WEEK SIX WEIGH IN/LADIES BRUNCH

This will be a "combo-theme" entry!  First, I weighed in this morning.  Weight loss total for week six is 1.6 pounds, for a total of 24.6.  I was pretty upset at first, because I checked my weight on Wed. and it was 1.2 pounds LESS than that.  So I was expecting a much better number.  And I still think that, despite what the Take Shape For Life/Medifast program says about losing 1-2 pounds per week, at my size, with the restrictions I'm on, I think I should be losing more.  I vented in an email to my coach, and then just went on with my day.  The body will do what it will do.  I can tweak, but that's about it.  Hoping for a big week next week.

So now we will talk about how I handled the Ladies Brunch at church this morning.  I didn't want to just avoid another food oriented gathering because, let's face it, that would mean I would have to avoid most social gatherings.  And I needed to get out with friends.  So to plan ahead I made an egg white omelet with spinach and salsa and a Medifast brownie.  I took them along, and warmed the eggs in the microwave there when I arrived.  I chose a table as far from the buffet as possible and faced myself away from the food.  I ate slowly and concentrated on conversation the whole time.  While the speaker was speaking, I slowly ate my brownie and sipped my diet coke.  At one point someone came around with a tray of goodies.  Because the person I was talking to knows what I'm dealing with, it was easy to decline and continue talking.  What was truly awesome was that my friend declined too...she didn't have to do that, but it sure made it easier for me!!  That's a friend.