Saturday, July 18, 2015


Sitting here in my office on a very dreary Saturday, as it thunders and rains outside.  My last day with my youngest away at camp, so maybe that to-do list can wait until to-morrow! I think I need the time to catch up here.  I'm still learning how to follow other's blogs, and so enjoyed my friend DJ's stitching blogs!  I do not share the talent, but I certainly appreciate it! I so appreciate all those who follow me and encourage me. I'll look you all up eventually!

An update on my FOOD blogging:  Still on the journey.  Still failing and re-starting almost daily.  But I don't quit.  No victories to report, but I know they will come.  I'm truly trying to jump-start the FAITH part, because I know that will help me deal with the other issues.  I haven't said much about the FEARS part lately, either.  It's day by day.  My diagnosed anxiety is well controlled with mild medication, but I do "feel" it now and then.  The fears that cause me the most difficulty are the fear of failing at my health goals, the fear of being misunderstood by others, the fear of making mistakes as a wife and parent, and the fear of losing my faith all together in the search for truth.  For me, all three are woven together, hence, my blog name. 

In my mind today, they are all volleying for position!  That's why my thoughts seem all over the place.  Writing sometimes is the only way I can sort things out. 

Health goals:  Get my sugar-addiction under control through abstinence, continue fitting exercise in but regaining a focus on strength training, AND...

Battle plan for fears:  Return to my daily deep breathing/mental focusing (mindfulness?), AND.....

Faith Fitness:  Begin again to read SOMETHING from the Bible daily and pray, giving God a chance to speak to me through that venue.  Yet still search other venues, such as books, articles.


Tuesday, July 7, 2015

No News Is Not Always Good News

I have put off blogging for way too long.  I figured my struggle hasn't change, and it's only brought me lower (by bringing my weight higher!), so it's just the same old thing.  But I think I HAVE to write.  Not for my readers, but for me.  I need to think it through on paper, own it, and dig deeper each day until I reclaim what I once had.
What can I say that I have not already said?  I have officially regained 30 pounds of the 68 I had lost.  And I re-start my program, or start something new, every Monday.  And fall off by Wednesday.  Sometimes I make it a week and lose (last week I lost almost 10 pounds in 6 days), only to face a challenge and end up in a downward spiral again.  I KNOW I can do it....I just did it a year ago!  I have to get my body and mind back to its addiction free state.  But sugar/carbs are so hard to kick!  And just cutting the calories in general. I'm so disgusted with myself for eating too much, eating the wrong things, and allowing my stomach to be stretched back so that I'm hungrier. 
I need routine, but the past few months I just haven't been able to keep one.  Holidays, vacations, birthdays, kids home from school/college.  I feel as though I need to be distracted from food temptations, but I can't keep distracted 24/7.  I need to rest my body and mind, and care for my family.  I try to keep busy, but then I just exhaust myself. 

Wow.  Just proof-read that.  So negative! So hopeless!  I need to brainstorm some positives.

1. I have a bike that I can ride, and a nice neighborhood for walking. 
2. I have a job that keeps me moving all day.
3. I have a pool in my backyard for refreshment and low-impact exercise.
4. I only have to work part time.
5. I have a small family, and my kids are old enough to do most things for themselves.
6. I was fortunate enough to get a relaxing week's vacation with my family, and to have a few days with my daughter at camp that I can get extra work done around the house.

Ok, I'm just tired now.  More later.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015


I had an enlightening talk with my therapist a few days ago.  I've tried so hard to figure out WHY I eat/sabotage myself, and why I can't get back onto my program and lose weight again.  I'm actually starting to gain, slowly.  And that's INSANE!!  I've come so far and learned so much!  How did I end up back in my old eating habits (not quite as bad, but declining)? 
So in this session she asked me lots of questions about feelings when I eat, and suggested I keep a log.  I've actually tried this a few times before, but never really knew what I was feeling.  But this time, within 24 hours, I realized that most of the time when I eat (and shouldn't), I'm feeling frustrated or angry.  Sometimes very angry.  But it's deep inside, and I'm trying to ignore it.  But when I pay attention to my thoughts/feelings, it surfaces, and bottled up thoughts run through my head. 
I don't want to be specific here, but it's making me realize how much I try to please people and ignore my own needs to keep peace or to help someone else.  I do this for many reasons.  I think it's "right" to put others first (taught this at home and in church growing up). I fear/dislike conflict.  I can't tolerate someone being angry with me, so I give in to avoid a fight.  I don't think I deserve to have "my way"....I'm not as smart/good/deserving as someone else.  I'm impatient...I want issues resolved now, even if it means giving in.  I try to push these feelings of anger and disappointment away and move on, but instead they have become pushed down inside of me.
Just an hour ago I had a conflict in parenting, and became very frustrated.  Although it had just been an hour since I had a big meal, I started feeling hunger pangs.  An emptiness in my stomach.  That is what got my attention and confirmed for me that I'm an Angry Eater.  I have to find resolution for the conflicts within me before I can conquer my compulsive overeating. 
Enlightened, but overwhelmed. 

Monday, January 19, 2015


We hear it all the time.  Change has to come from within.  We can lose weight, but if we don't change our habits we will gain it all back. 
I've "changed" many times in life.  In high school I began to learn about nutrition, counting calories, and the importance of exercise.  I lost weight. But gained it back.
In college I continued learning about nutrition, healthy habits and exercise...there was always something new out there.  I lost weight.  I gained it back.
In my young adult/single life I found more books, more ideas, more theories, more psychology, more exercise gurus, and I lost a LOT of weight.  And kept it off for over a year.
I got married, and got pregnant.  I was determined not to gain any more weight than what was needed for the baby.  I continued exercise.  But life changes, hormones change, emotions play their part, and I gained A LOT of weight, mostly in the 3rd trimester. 
Back on the wagon after giving birth, and this time it was much harder!  But I regained my inner strength and lost the weight! And life slams me again.
The pattern continues for many more years.  Now I'm 47 and I lost 68 pounds in 2014!  But I've already gained back 8.  I cannot seem to get back on track.  I know more than the average person about diet and nutrition and exercise and hydration and overall good health.  I see my doctor more than most people.  I go to the dentist regularly.  Each week I buy healthy foods and most weeks I plan meals to try to keep my whole family on a good nutritional path.  And yet nearly every evening now I fall prey to this horrible snacking addiction. The justification, the cravings, the temptations.  I can do so well all day, or maybe I'm just barely holding on, it doesn't matter.  I fall off the wagon. Every. Single. Night. 
I AM motivated....I'm desperate to get below 200 and stay there...preferably below 190.  I'm so close, but just can't reach it.  I'm so tired of trying.  I'm so SCARED of gaining.  I have so many distractions in place to try to keep my mind off food, but it just doesn't work. 
I feel hopeless tonight.  I feel out of control.  I want freedom from this addiction. What does it take to change me on the inside?  My head knows right, but my impulses control my actions.  I change the bad habits for a time, but the fight to keep the "demons" at bay just becomes too much. 

Friday, December 12, 2014


will power

control of one's impulses and actions; self-control

I've struggled with overeating my whole life.  I honestly do NOT remember a time when I was not cautioned by loved ones not to eat so much.  My first diet was at age 9, with a regular diet struggle beginning around age 15 and continuing to the present.  I definitely WANTED to lose weight and eat better.  I educated myself and tried exercise programs and even joined the track team (as a manager/statistician because I couldn't run) and did workouts with the team.  I wholeheartedly followed a nutrition education and exercise program in college as my Phys. Ed. credit and learned about calorie counting, empty calories, etc.  Even though I HATED gym classes throughout elementary and high school (because I wasn't good at it and got teased/embarrassed) I liked to do workouts like walking, aerobics, stationary bikes and steppers.  And yet all of this time I was overweight. 


I'd work hard and get down a few pounds...maybe as much as 20...then circumstances and life struggles would throw me back into emotional eating, stress eating, and convenience eating.  EVERY TIME.  And guess what? Medifast hasn't been any different.  I had to DRASTICALLY  change my environment and habits, which greatly affected my family, in order to be 100% on the program at the beginning.  When I could no longer continue that level of "control", I began the old struggles of impulsive eating.  I used every bit of distraction I could to try to avoid it, but over the past few months I have fallen back to the CONSTANT struggle not to overeat.  And I'm still on Medifast....the program that helped me lose 50 pounds in 6 months!  Now I'm struggling to not gain over the holidays, and hoping to squeak out a few pounds a month in the New Year.  What happened to my momentum? 

What happened to my WILLPOWER?? 

I TRY  constantly to control my impulses, but my brain and my spirit tire of the battle and just give in.  Sometimes just for a moment...sometimes long enough to ruin the progress I've made. 


No matter how much "willpower" I exercise, it will eventually run out.  No one can control their lives and surroundings 100%. 


Sorry...I don't have it.  If I did I'd be doing infomercials.  I simply start over every day.  Every morning.  If I succeed one day, it fuels me the next day.  If I fail, I dig deeper.  But sometimes there is just nothing left and days go by where I rest from the struggle.  And then I begin again.  It's not willpower.  It's HOPE.  It's DESPERATION. It's LOVE for my family and a desire to care for those I love with a healthy body.

Saturday, November 22, 2014


Somehow I managed to lose another 1.2 pounds this week!  My total is 68.4.  I'm thrilled with that. I've changed things up a bit.  I was not able to keep the "will power momentum" up (hate that phrase but that's for another time), and I have been stressing out over the try/fail lifestyle, and the crazy fluctuations when I eat sugar or do cardio, even if my calories in are less than my calories out.  It's been a long 8 months, and I'm ready for change.  So I have been gradually adding in all the food groups (faster than Dr. A's book recommends, though).  As of today I'm leveling off for a while at eating 3 Medifast meals a day and then eating healthy foods the rest of the day, not to exceed 2000 calories.  I've increased my exercise, mostly strength training but also cardio.  I'm aiming for 3-5 veg a day and lean proteins, not to exceed 10oz. a day.  I've only had small bites of fruit so far, but will add them in this week not to exceed two servings.  I will allow breads here an there, but will not make them part of my regular plan for a while.  Starches (potatoes, rice, pasta) will be only occasional. 
I'd still like to lose 15 pounds, but I'm fine with it being slow. 
My Holiday goal is to lose another pound (to reach 195), and maintain that until Jan. 1.  Then back to trying to lose.

Saturday, November 15, 2014


Another week down, another 1.2 pounds down!  I'm really quite surprised because it's harder and harder to stay on track these days.  Evenings have become very difficult.  My old habits linger near the surface.  They are the reason I got so big to begin with.  I have to fight daily to not use food as a comfort/relaxation/celebration tool.  Especially now that winter is creeping in.  No more walks after dinner. (I guess I may have to face my dislike of the dark and cold and do them anyway.) Harder to get up and do a little exercise in the morning.  I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder....I just want to curl up in a warm spot and read or watch TV, and my motivation for all of life diminishes.  So I have to remind myself daily that this is not what will make me feel better.  Get up and get moving!

So, I'm proud that I fought it enough to lose another pound this week, and I'm staying below 200!  I don't EVER want to see that number again!